@tshabher — 8/16/2020
There is power in the clothes I wear because since I was 14, I was able to express myself with colors and patterns when I didn’t know how to use my voice. There was a sense of urgency, a reaction from my body in order to survive and be heard.
As I work on my mental and emotional health, I am learning and realizing how I’ve used my closet as a crutch, having temporary feelings of joy. Though the joy is real and authentic, I am learning that I have used that joy as a false pretense with how I am actually feeling.
I want to note that my journey with clothes has helped me love my body because it’s been policed for a long time. One example of this is when I was dating an emotionally abusive person. I wanted to be loved by him so badly that I started to wear black leggings and basic t-shirts because he made disapproving comments about my style. Once I realized the shit I was in, I left and started my journey of self love and respect. Because of experiences like this, I am now able to thrive and bask in the ability and confidence of my personal style.
But as I dig deeper into my subconscious, I’ve realized that I am not okay. I feel tension in my body, I feel anxious and stressed. I used feeling cute in a fire fit as a mask to cover up how I’ve actually been feeling, processing, learning, and unlearning. I want to give space to what is happening on the inside and stay true to who I am, who I am becoming, but it’s been hard and I am lamenting the injustices I have experienced in my life, even the ones I am not aware of yet.
I don’t know what else to say, but I tend to end these captions on a hopeful tone. There IS hope, but I am where I am in my journey. It’s been hard to listen to my own needs and trust myself when I’ve realized how much I’ve been conditioned to think otherwise. I want to believe in myself, in my abilities, in my truths, and not be ashamed of my story.
I was listening to @btsspodcast the other day and @lagthao made a good point in that it is important to share your story, even when it feels like you’re repeating. Others haven’t heard your story, so keep speaking b/c you never know who will be impacted. I will do the same. 💛
#whatchawears