coping #9we matched.
we chatted.
he slut-shamed me
and i still messaged him back,
defending my story
and i should have left it at that
but
we met up.
we talked.
and i did not feel a connection
physically or emotionally
intellectually or spiritually
romantic or platonic
it seemed to me like he felt the same way.
surely he read my nonverbal cues?
No.
he pulled down my underwear
and i didn’t budge
my body went numb.
he came and left
i fell asleep
disassociated
i didn’t want it.
i woke up and went to work,
retracing what had happened
i started gaslighting myself
i should have known better
i was too weak and i was alone.
how did this happen?
why did this happen?
i messaged him.
he said this
he said that
what he didn’t say was that
he took advantage of me,
just another body count
i didn’t understand
and was still giving him
the benefit of the doubt
too trusting
too naive
i longed to be seen
to be admired
and deep down i knew
this person would never
fully know me
i was manipulated
i couldn’t
didn’t know how to
advocate.
i was never taught this word,
this power.
the word i was taught was
shame.
so all i could do was ask more questions
in secret
hoping my reality was not true.
questions went unanswered
and i was left picking up the pieces
putting them into a box
storing them away behind a locked door
only to be opened again
when the next message came in
from a ghost
pretending to be a man
-tshab her
june 2018, revised october 2020