@tshabher — 4:28/2020
I am thankful for the space I am creating for myself as a curvy Hmong woman. Who knew when I created the project #hmongspace, I was actually speaking for myself, too?
For awhile I viewed my Hmongness as “other.” When I started researching Hmong history years ago, it was through the white gaze...but even when I continued researching and reading anthologies by Hmong creators and historians, I still felt out of place, out of context of my own reality. Though we (Hmong-Americans) share the same history of migration and refugeeism, I still couldn’t see myself in the stories I read or heard about.
I started exoticizing myself and my experience. I was spewing Hmong history to those who didn’t know and tried creating space to be acknowledged. Because I wanted to be seen, I looked for approval from “the white man.” I had internalized that we are only “seen” when the white man sees us; good or bad. I thought I had the upper hand since no one knew who the Hmong were and therefore people would be curious and give us space, right?
Until I started understanding who I was on a personal, communal level, I was able to break free from living for others. I stopped looking for approval and recognized the silencing and objectification my body was carrying. I am still healing and in process, fully recognizing the weight of my identity through the stories of my ancestors. Their resilience lives inside me, carrying me through.
When I look at my body every morning and see what is before me...I feel thankful, proud, loved, and amazed at what my body has gone through. How has this body endured so much? I was so entrapped in the system that I didn’t even think I had a “story” because my life seemed safe. As I recognize my need for healing and deconstruction, the weight of my story continues unfold. Baby Tshab just wanted to be seen and I am grateful she finally has the space to dwell in...fully living and being herself. This is my life and the #hmongspace I’ve been creating even before I had the words or understanding for it. And that, is powerful. 💛 #whatchawears